you are born as a mutant in a underground fallout shelter.
((after playing most of the hmtl games on the site i wanted to both give back and write something of my own. so far there is very little here, as i figure out more about twine and add more to the story.
due to events in my life, i will be postponing my wirting of this story. i still have plans and ideas for the story, and i very highly doubt that i will abandon it. i'd say that i'll be out for about three months or so. anyways, i'm uploading the most current version of the story. i've more than doubled the length of the story and done quite a few edits. however it is still mostly linear.))
This update is a HUGE improvement on the previous release. This release has better grammar and sentence structure. Each paragraph is now distinct with a space between them, and there is a fair amount of new content. There is enough content now to get a real feel for the game.
Keep up the good work, I'll be looking forward to see more.
For starters, its an interesting idea, and I'm curious to see more.
Now for a little constructive criticism:
First, take a moment to start a game thread for discussion. That would serve as a good platform to get feedback and chat with the people who take an interest in your game.
Second, I noticed that you rarely capatalize the first letter of your sentences. There are also times that you let your sentences run on a lot of the time.
Otherwise, your writing is descriptive, and you have the seed of an interesting game. I'll be looking forward to updates.
PS: Ignore the first review, some people dont seem to realize that many of us authors (Myself included) need to get something out to the public. To get a little feedback and guage people's initial response to our projects before pushing forward with production. Best wishes and good luck as you continue to grow your game.
It's a bit of a cluster fuck to read, everythings all jammed together and I think if you space it out into multiple smaller paragraphs it would be much more readable.
Capitalize at the beginning of sentences and don't let sentence run on for too long. My usual cut off point is after a line of text and at most two, feel free to cut them off earlier too.
Other than those two small things, it seems like a pretty good story right now, albeit short. The description of the "mutants" remind me of Quarians from Mass Effect, other than the fact there not in a suit and have an extra finger.
Keep it up, it has promise.
Also, ignore people who downsize the game with no actual input.
Interesting start you have here. Aside from only having a few pages so far the only thing I can think of off the top of my head that could use some work is your punctuation and the structureing of your paragraphs (they kinda seem like a giant run on and could use some spacing out),
Aside from that it will be interesting to see where this goes. Hope you keep at it and don't let peoples negative feelings/judgements get too you to much.